I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
