Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Fuck appropriateness.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
