That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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