i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
