You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
