Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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