no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
