Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
