my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
