When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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