everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
