help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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