My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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