No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
