She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
whose parrot is this?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
