If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Randomize
