I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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