i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
