I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
