Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
