do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
