Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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