gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
