apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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