How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
