hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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