i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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