It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
