god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
