I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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