My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
