all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
