I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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