god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
