You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
