remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
