textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
