things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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