he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
