My nipple is on Facebook.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
a search helicopter?!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
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