So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
