I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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