Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
