I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
