i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Randomize
