You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
