Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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