Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
