Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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