i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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