I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
