Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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