meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
