who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
