there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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