She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
